By Maribeth Doerr

Christmas is a time of year that brings families together to celebrate the gifts of God. The holidays are also a poignant reminder of those who cannot be with us. For families who have lost a loved one, the Christmas season is often a bittersweet experience, even years after a death. Let’s not forget these families as we fly through the hustle and bustle of December. 

Here are some ways you can help your grieving friends:

Acknowledge lost loved ones. Say their names out loud to the grieving family and share a memory. For example, “I really miss Marie at the Christmas party. She always made it fun.”  Or, “I’m thinking of Susan and wishing she could be here with you.”  One of the greatest fears a bereaved person has is that everyone will forget about their loved one. Don’t forget them and don’t be afraid to talk about them! 

Invite your grieving friends to your festivities but be prepared for them to decline or not be full of cheer at your party. Allow them to be however they need to be without insisting they celebrate. Saying, “You have to celebrate Christmas! Your loved one would have wanted you to!” is NOT helpful. You don’t really know what your friend’s/family member’s loved one would have wanted.

Ask them how they’re doing and really listen while they respond. If you don’t know what to say in response, hug them or make gentle eye contact so they know you’ve heard them. If you think you might be uncomfortable with their response, don’t ask them this question. Remember they’re not asking you to fix them. I can’t say that enough! 

 Saying “I’m sorry,” “I don’t know what to say,” and “I love you” are all appropriate things to say. 

Offer to Christmas shop for them. Being around crazy holiday shoppers is difficult when you aren’t grieving but nearly impossible for the bereaved.

If they aren’t up to holiday dinners and parties, drop by with a meal or a dessert and let them know they aren’t forgotten. Perhaps offer to take a short walk with them. Fresh air and exercise is so helpful but often they need someone to lead the way. Grieving folks are often lonely but don’t have the energy to get out and see people so drop by for a visit. Even a short one lets them know you’re thinking of them and that you remember both them and their loved one.

Pain and anger are often amplified by the holidays. Remember that you cannot take away that pain or their anger, and the bereaved do not  expect you to. What you can do is listen and simply be present with them. What a gift that is for grieving hearts!

Offer to help them decorate, and accept without argument if they say no or they don’t want to decorate. If they do decorate, offer to help them take everything down after the holidays. Decorating requires an enormous amount of energy the bereaved may not have.  It’s also a trigger of memories pulling out the decorations themselves. They may not be up for it this year or perhaps they would be with you by their side and a box or two of Kleenex.

A lovely Christmas gift for your grieving friend might be an ornament with their loved one’s name on it or something that reflects their loved one’s interest. 

Tears are healing. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of a bereaved person and don’t be afraid of their tears.

Offer to take them to church on Christmas Eve and to sit with them. Don’t force them to go. Be gentle!

 Check in AND give space to your grieving loved ones. They need both.

Love to you and yours this holiday season. If you have any questions, please feel free to call the church office at 775-329-0696.

With love and peace, Maribeth Doerr 

By Maribeth Doerr

The holidays are usually a time for love and sharing. For many grieving folks, what was once a special time to anticipate and celebrate becomes dread of the inevitable flood of memories triggered by the season’s familiar sights and sounds. If this is your first Thanksgiving and Christmas without your loved  one(s), you may be asking yourself, “How can I get through this?”

The struggle to balance personal grief and loneliness against the pressures of “joyful” social obligation is challenging and painful. I wish I could tell you it’s easy, and here’s how you do it. I can, however, offer you some ideas that you may find helpful: 

• The most important—plan ahead! Rather than just letting things happen, listen to your heart and give yourself permission to only do the things that feel right to you and for you. You do not have to go to every event and do everything you’ve always done every year. Spend some time thinking about what might feel right this year.
• Consider and decide which party invitations you wish to accept and attend. Know that it is perfectly acceptable to decline invitations even at the last minute. Realize that early decisions can be changed if they don’t feel right as the time approaches.
• Communicate your needs to your family and friends. Let them know what’s on your heart and what you need. Perhaps that communication is via email or text or a phone call.  Perhaps it would be helpful to explain your plans/needs to one trusted person who could then tell everyone else if it feels overwhelming to talk to many people.
• Changing a traditional routine can soften the pain; the time of the gift exchange and gift opening; the special meal together and/or when you attend special services. Your life has radically changed; you are not required to do everything the same way as if nothing has happened. Keep it simple! Don’t be afraid to change it up.
• Know that you have choices about everything including decorating for the season and shopping for gifts (this can be especially painful being in crowded stores listening to Christmas music blaring). Order online, ask a trusted friend to shop for you, or even give yourself permission to NOT shop and not give gifts this year. Again, keep it simple.
• For those events and tasks you choose to do, ask for help. It can be hard to ask for help but think about some of the ways friends might be able to help you such as wrapping gifts, baking, addressing cards, shopping, or cleaning. This could be a meaningful gift for your friends to give you and both you and your friends could benefit.
• Be aware of your feelings and needs. Be gentle with yourself and know that you don’t have to please ANYONE. If you’re feeling like you have no idea what you’re feeling or what you need, know that that is a normal grief reaction. Consider spending some quiet time with a journal writing whatever comes to mind. You might surprise yourself with what comes up.
• Prioritize. Decide what is truly meaningful to you about the holidays and skip the rest. 
• Talk about your fears and feelings with someone willing to listen. Good Shepherd is full of excellent listeners!
• Making a Christmas charitable gift in your loved one’s name is a beautiful way to memorialize your loved one.

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. Take care of your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. Here are a few self-care ideas:

• Sleep when you can. 
• Try to eat healthy regular meals, and drink enough water to prevent dehydration.
• Get some fresh air when possible. Exercise is an excellent way to clear the brain fog grief causes. 
• Listen to soothing music. 
• Learn to read your energy levels. When you’re tired, acknowledge that and rest.
• Take a yoga class (I happen to know a wonderful yoga teacher who is certified in yoga for grief!)
• If you have a dog, walks can get you out of the house regularly. Both cats and dogs (and other critters) can be very healing as we care and cuddle them. Consider getting a pet if you don’t have one or visit someone who does.
• Simplify! Don’t give in to social pressure and learn to say no. There will be a time when you’re ready to say yes.